Terrorist Attack Trading Cards

I was at Jamie’s Flea Mar­ket Sat­ur­day and I found some­thing that hit the mar­ket when I was 6 years old. Some­thing that shows me what 17 years of bick­er­ing, glob­al reor­ga­ni­za­tion and blood­shed has changed in the zeit­geist of Amer­i­ca. Yeah, basi­cal­ly noth­ing.

Disclaimer

Though these cards claim to be edu­ca­tion­al, it is well to bear in mind that any words of edu­ca­tion­al val­ue con­tained on the backs are refract­ed through a lens of aggres­sive and rhetor­i­cal Amer­i­can nation­al­ism. While ter­ror­ism is, indeed, a ter­ri­ble thing, the type of edu­ca­tion that these col­lectible items pro­vide is antag­o­nis­tic and igno­rant of its own effects. More­over, they are both hilar­i­ous and sober­ing [a sort of shake-your head and laugh] to any per­son who has a decent abil­i­ty to sep­a­rate thoughts into sub­jec­tive and objec­tive frames. So. You just need com­mon sense.

Mus­soli­ni was a ter­ror­ist? and a facist? If I had a face like Mus­soli­ni I def­i­nite­ly would­n’t want to form a polit­i­cal par­ty about it. The fact that he was cap­tured by the par­ti­sans he oppressed is not iron­ic, it is clos­er to poet­ic jus­tice. It would be iron­ic if he was exe­cut­ed by his own par­ty for oppress­ing the par­ti­sans.

First off: “Bombs cre­ate the spec­tac­u­lar and safe types of destruc­tion that ter­ror­ists are known for.” WHAT?!? To con­clude, end­ing a sen­tence in a prepo­si­tion ain’t good Eng­lish. Third­ly, some­one obvi­ous­ly bust­ed out the the­saurus for ‘per­fid­i­ous.’

Beware of guys hid­ing behind trash cans and attempt­ing to hide behind build­ings but not doing a very good job of it because their rifles stick way out. They blow up things. AMERICA SANCTIONED!

Of course they were going to blow up the SoL. Drug-run­ning is an impos­si­ble pos­si­bil­i­ty. Our nation humil­i­ates itself just fine, thanks.

This guy looks like me when I had my beard. That creeps me out.

I can’t real­ly be fun­ny about any of these because they are so ridicu­lous they speak for them­selves. Note the sub­tle jux­ta­po­si­tion of the last two sen­tences.

The Ayat­ul­lah looks like he is speak­ing to mass­es of peo­ple burn­ing in eter­nal damna­tion. He might be use­ful as a means to under­mine the Sovi­ets. This card also invokes God­win’s Law.

Thanks for play­ing! I won­der if Tom Clan­cy got his idea for The Sum of All Fears from this card. Good­bye!