Month: September 2002

I found out yes­ter­day that the Uni­ver­si­ty switched to using Olestra dur­ing the sum­mer. This explains why I haven’t had a nice healthy dump since I’ve been here. I sup­pose you don’t care to know this, but I don’t care. As you may or may not know one of the side effects of Olestra is to give folks the her­shey squirts. Per­son­al­ly, I’d rather have the extra sat­u­rat­ed fat and turds that hold them­selves togeth­er than no fat and ran­cid smelling lit­tle shitlets fill­ing the bowl. In the Road to Wellville Dr. Kel­logg says:

“Your stool, Mr. Light­body, quite frankly, is pathet­ic. Form­less, mushy, and foul smelling. Take it away nurse.”

Will Light­body: “How should they be?”

Dr. John H. Kel­logg: “My own stools, sir, are perfect–they are gigan­tic! And, have no more odor than a hot bis­cuit.”

i used to be Dr Kel­logg but now with the advent of Olestra at ND I am now Will Light­body. there is some­thing about the abil­i­ty to take a large and per­fect crap that is macho, but Olestra emas­cu­lates us all.