The Direct Approach
- Kill Cat.
- Make incision from throat to rump.
- Peel.
Corollary: That shirt looks very becoming on you, and if I were on you I’d be coming too.*
The Indirect Approach
- Obtain kitten.
- Raise kitten into cat.
- Provide food, toys, veterinary assistance, attention, love.
- Wait until cat dies.
- Make incision from throat to rump.
- Peel.
Corollary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*
The Athletic Approach
- Kill cat with golf club.
- Make incision from throat to rump.
- Peel.
- Gut cat.
- Take catgut and make tennis racket.
- Remove head of cat.
- Use as tennis ball.
Corollary: (flexing) Have you seen the weightroom? Nevermind, I’ll find it.*
The Gourmet Approach
- Purchase healthy purebred Persian.
- Smother with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chloroform).
- Boil 10 gallons water.
- Boil Persian in water for 8 hours.
- Make incision from throat to rump.
- Peel.
- Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
- Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
- Serve with butter-glazed sweetrolls on table trimmed with cat skin.
An optional New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.
Corollary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is nothing compared to the gift that is you. I would gladly sacrifice my goals, aspirations and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*
The Humane Approach
- Find feral cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
- Have cat put down.
- Send cat to taxidermist.
- Taxidermist will make incision from throat to rump.
- Peel.
Corollary: Set promiscuous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*
The Anarchist Approach
- Bury cat up to neck in backyard.
- Fire up riding lawnmower.
- Mow backyard.
- Get posthole digger.
- Remove cat.
- Make incision from throat to rump.
- Gut cat.
- Fill cavity with black powder.
- Light cat’s tail.
- Throw at nearest governmental building.
Corollary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*
*does not work well.