6 Ways to Skin a Cat

The Direct Approach

  1. Kill Cat.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.

Corol­lary: That shirt looks very becom­ing on you, and if I were on you I’d be com­ing too.*

The Indirect Approach

  1. Obtain kit­ten.
  2. Raise kit­ten into cat.
  3. Pro­vide food, toys, vet­eri­nary assis­tance, atten­tion, love.
  4. Wait until cat dies.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.

Corol­lary: Let her make the first move. Implode.*

The Athletic Approach

  1. Kill cat with golf club.
  2. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  3. Peel.
  4. Gut cat.
  5. Take catgut and make ten­nis rack­et.
  6. Remove head of cat.
  7. Use as ten­nis ball.

Corol­lary: (flex­ing) Have you seen the weight­room? Nev­er­mind, I’ll find it.*

The Gourmet Approach

  1. Pur­chase healthy pure­bred Per­sian.
  2. Smoth­er with 10M (molar) Trichloromethane (chlo­ro­form).
  3. Boil 10 gal­lons water.
  4. Boil Per­sian in water for 8 hours.
  5. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  6. Peel.
  7. Have skin made into table runner/trivet.
  8. Boil cat into stew with lentils and long-grain rice.
  9. Serve with but­ter-glazed sweet­rolls on table trimmed with cat skin.

An option­al New Year’s Day meal. Cat is the new pork.

Corol­lary: You are my sun, moon, and stars. You are my breath, sight, and life. Each taste, each touch, is noth­ing com­pared to the gift that is you. I would glad­ly sac­ri­fice my goals, aspi­ra­tions and soul just to get into your pants… shit!*

The Humane Approach

  1. Find fer­al cat with feline HIV or feline leukemia.
  2. Have cat put down.
  3. Send cat to taxi­der­mist.
  4. Taxi­der­mist will make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  5. Peel.

Corol­lary: Set promis­cu­ous girl up with horny friend. She’ll get stuffed.*

The Anarchist Approach

  1. Bury cat up to neck in back­yard.
  2. Fire up rid­ing lawn­mow­er.
  3. Mow back­yard.
  4. Get post­hole dig­ger.
  5. Remove cat.
  6. Make inci­sion from throat to rump.
  7. Gut cat.
  8. Fill cav­i­ty with black pow­der.
  9. Light cat’s tail.
  10. Throw at near­est gov­ern­men­tal build­ing.

Corol­lary: Club her on the head and drag her by her hair into your apartment/cave.*

*does not work well.

11 thoughts on “6 Ways to Skin a Cat”

  1. I would like you to try any of this shit on my cats you sick F**K sticks I do not see how or why peo­ple like you think how you do I bet you would kick a pup­py to death also well if any­thing like any of the crap I just read was to hap­pen to you DAMM ha ha ha ha it would serve you right. Now is that the answer you want­ed to hear or thanks for the info either way its sad.

  2. Thank you for pro­vid­ing such a step by step instruc­tion­al on deal­ing with cats. I am cur­rent­ly using the indi­rect approach with a twist of lime in my drink. By plac­ing cat food dish­es out­side, I am hope­ful to attract enough cats to try the ath­let­ic approach and at the same time, improve my swing!

  3. Per­son­al­ly I like the anar­chist approach…minus the last step. Because I don’t want to get caught

  6. Thank you so much for this rous­ing­ly sophis­ti­cat­ed satire. I also thank Kevin Cain’s pre­sent­ed
    counter-satire as evi­dence that not every­one on the inter­net has enough intel­li­gence to
    tell the dif­fer­ence between a sophis­ti­cat­ed ruse and an instruc­tion­al tuto­r­i­al. And if you think that
    Mr. Cain is a tru­ly intel­li­gent man, I heav­i­ly sug­gest you look into the def­i­n­i­tion of satire to dis­cov­er
    what an absolute genius he is for his well cam­ou­flaged counter-satire. So well cam­ou­flaged that
    one might think him to be an absolute idiot oth­er­wise.

  7. you peo­ple are fuck­ing sick and your moth­ers and fathers should be fucked in the head with some­thing real­ly big and they are awful ugly smelly dis­gust­ing peo­ple that could cre­ate some­thing like you! All I know is that your time will come and I can’t wait till it does because that’s all you deserve you crea­tures that hide in human skin

  8. For every­one one rag­ing here about hows sick this is, Why in the world were you look­ing up “how to skin a cat” in the first place?? What did you expect? Skin a cat with­out actu­al­ly killing it? That’s called flay­ing my friend, and trust me, the cat would pre­fer death over that.

  9. A girl I know said there is only one easy to skin a cat. So I won­dered if this were true. Very per­ti­nent­ly I find there are at least six meth­ods. Now I have skinned this cat already or it skinned me to be exact. All I had to do was put out some kit­ty food and whis­tle. I am keep­ing the pussy alive for now. You know, it purrs.

  11. Sick that Siri poped up this web­site when all I want­ed to know was the hypo­thet­i­cal mean­ing of how to skin a cat

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