Mock-a-Blog: Five Dollar Beer

Since no one has asked me to guest blog for them, despite my own will­ing­ness to whore out my prime loca­tion- URL with a view- vir­tu­al estate by let­ting oth­ers sul­ly its sanc­ti­ty with their infi­del paws; I am going to mock a blog each day this week. Five Dol­lar Beer gets the first treat­ment.

Last night for din­ner I final­ly made a tra­di­tion­al Amer­i­can recipe that I have heard about but nev­er real­ly tried. Appar­ent­ly it is a favorite of many school chil­dren for their lunch. It is called, strange­ly, the ‘Peanut But­ter and Jel­ly Sand­wich.’ I had to make sev­er­al trips to the gro­cery because even though I have ran­dom spices like grey fen­nel and weird veg­eta­bles like Quorn and Clam­atos in myr­i­ad quan­ti­ties about my house, I did­n’t have the nec­es­saries to fol­low the recipe.

The first and most impor­tant ingre­di­ent in this sand­wich is peanut but­ter. Appar­ent­ly this can be eas­i­ly pur­chased at any nor­mal gro­cery store but I decid­ed to try to make it myself. I hulled a bag of peanuts left­over from a Cleve­land Indi­ans game last year and ground them into tiny bits. Then I stirred them into some melt­ed goat but­ter and put the mix­ture into the fridge to thick­en. Next on the list was straw­ber­ry jam or straw­ber­ry jel­ly. I tried mak­ing jam first but that did­n’t work out so well. I had heard from some­one once that lit­tle straw­ber­ries get upset when they are in a jam- so I threat­ened them. I told them I would puree them, mix them with sug­ar and boil them. I fig­ured that would be con­sid­ered a pret­ty tough jam to a straw­ber­ry. But those were mean bug­gers, they stayed just the way they were. I decid­ed to go the jel­ly route.

We have a big tub of petro­le­um jel­ly that I am quite fond of in the bath­room. I took it out and real­ized that I’d already used most of it. So I had to go back to the store and buy some more. The clerk looked at my kin­da fun­ny and men­tioned that this was the third tub I’d pur­chased in the last three days. I’ve real­ly got to cut back. Any­way, steal­ing one from my peanut but­ter recipe I mixed the straw­ber­ries into the petro­le­um jel­ly. It did­n’t look too appe­tiz­ing but who am I to judge what chil­dren will eat.

The last thing was white bread with­out crust. Thank­ful­ly, I have a spe­cial friend named White­bread. He is quite crusty unfor­tu­nate­ly. His hygien­ic habits mir­ror my own, that is, he has none. It was easy to get him naked but a bit hard­er to coerce him in front of the fire hose. Once I turned it on, the crust was knocked right off of him. I apol­o­gized and lured him back into my place with promis­es of a peanut but­ter and jel­ly sand­wich. Appar­ent­ly, he had eat­en those as a child.

Once I had him secure­ly tied to the bed as usu­al I came back with the thick­ened peanut but­ter and my fresh­ly made jel­ly. I spread it on thick, using a put­ty knife. Then I cut him in half diag­o­nal­ly [as per the recipe] and ate my sand­wich with some Tang and Cheesy Poofs. I’m going to have to make PBJ more often.