There was less joke telling in Canada this year than usual, here is a recounting of all of the ones I heard. The cannibal ones are my favorite. I also like Helen Keller jokes, dead baby jokes, misogynistic jokes and one racist joke. I am obviously a tasteless bastard.
Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.
Q: Did you hear the one about the cannibal who threw up his arms?
Q: Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods?
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A tourist was in Ireland walking along an old country road when he saw a sign which read, Sisters of Saint Joseph and Whorehouse.
‘No,’ thought the tourist, ‘I’ve misread that.’ Further down the road he sees another sign, five miles to Sisters of Saint Joseph and Whorehouse, so he decides to check it out. He knocks on the door and says to the Nun, ‘I thought we could do some business.’
‘Come in,’ she says and sends him down a long winding passageway. ‘Knock on that door.’
He knocks and a nun opens the door and has a tin cup in her hand.
‘$50 please,’ she says. He places this in the cup and she directs him to another door, another Nun opens it with a cup. ‘Another $50,’ she says. ‘Go in that door.’ The tourist enters, the door locks behind him and he finds himself outside of the convent.
A sign reads, ‘Go In Peace, You have just been screwed by the sisters of Saint Joseph.’
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5 guys go on a fishing trip and decide that they will draw straws and the person with the shortest straw has to do all the cooking and cleaning while the others fish all week. The only way out of this is if someone complains about the food. While the four lucky ones go out fishing, the man left behind decides on a plan to get out of his duties. He goes into the woods and gets some bear shit, and makes a stew that is about 25% bear shit. The fishermen come back for dinner, after having an amazing day of fishing, and sit down for the stew. Everyone makes a face as they eat it but no one says anything. The next day the man left behind makes a stew that is 50% bear shit. The fisherman return with another boatload of fish and sit down for the stew. Again, despite sick looking faces and more than a little nausea, they say nothing. On the third day, the cook gathers up all the bear shit and makes a stew that is 100% bear shit. The fishermen come back from their best day yet and sit down to eat. After the first spoonful one of the fishermen throws down his spoon and yells ‘This stew tastes exactly like bear shit! …but just the way I like it!’
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A bush pilot dropped a hunter off on a lake in a remote area of Canada for some moose hunting. He warned the hunter before he left, ‘You can only take one moose back with you. The plane can’t carry anything more than one moose.’ He then left for a week.
When the pilot returned, sure enough, the hunter had two moose laying on the end of the dock. After much wheedling the hunter managed to convince the pilot to tie both moose to his seaplane. They taxied to one end of the lake and started to take off. The plane gamely rose from the water, clipped a few fir trees and crashed.
After crawling out from the wreckage, the hunter asked ‘Where are we?’ The pilot looked around and said ‘Oh, about 200 yards further than last year.’
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Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that floats in water?
A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that hangs on a wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs that lays in front of your door?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Ilene.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell.