Personal Ad

If you aren’t in the mood to lis­ten to me pule like the waste of space I am then you prob­a­bly want to stop read­ing right now. Live­Jour­nal lies ahead.

I’ve been mis­er­ably lone­ly for quite some time. I already know this is my own fault; I’ll address that lat­er. What my life lacks at this moment more than any­thing else are friends. Sin­gle ones, specif­i­cal­ly; a good guy friend even more specif­i­cal­ly. My cur­rent friends [thank god for them] are excel­lent, but they are all mar­ried or have sig­nif­i­cant oth­ers. They have full lives of their own with each oth­er, which is as it should be. I am so thank­ful that they invite me to do things, oth­er­wise I would do noth­ing at all.

I need sin­gle friends so I can call peo­ple up ran­dom­ly and do things, so I don’t feel like a third wheel, so I can have a con­ver­sa­tion with an actu­al per­son. I often go days at a time with­out hav­ing a real con­ver­sa­tion, not some­thing over a cube wall. I often go weeks at a time with­out inci­den­tal phys­i­cal con­tact with anoth­er human and per­haps all I will get after that time is a brief brush of hands as some­one gives me change. I go months with­out so much as a hug. I’m starv­ing, with­er­ing away.

I’ve reached the point where I think I am becom­ing like those strange sad peo­ple who talk to them­selves or say awk­ward things to peo­ple because they have for­got­ten the rules of social inter­ac­tion. I used to be good com­pa­ny in my weird way. Now I’m begin­ning to become weird com­pa­ny, peri­od. Worse than that, I’ve for­got­ten how some­one makes friends. I have a per­son­al ad with some site that has at least got­ten me some sort of inter­ac­tion, I learned where the Grog Shop was and where Tow­er City was and where to get good sushi, but those things tend to fiz­zle rather quick­ly due to exces­sive awk­ward­ness.

I don’t go to bars, and I don’t think sin­gle peo­ple make friends at bars, I think sin­gle peo­ple go to bars to get drunk and get some. I could join a recre­ation­al sports thing but those things are expen­sive and I suck at every­thing but fenc­ing. I’d like to make friends with some of the peo­ple at the Young Alum­ni Hap­py Hour but how do I man­age that? If I find the right venue for mak­ing friends, how do I go about mak­ing friends? I can’t fig­ure it out and I’m too depressed to try. It prob­a­bly does­n’t appear that way when I am actu­al­ly with peo­ple, but that is because I am so hap­py to actu­al­ly be with peo­ple that I suck it all in.

I won­der if I am not a very good friend. I’m not too good with com­mu­ni­cat­ing with my old bud­dies. My friend Jere­my has left me sev­er­al instant mes­sages but I’ve not giv­en him a call or any­thing, and his wife is about to have a baby. My friend David recent­ly moved and got a new job, I talked to him then, but haven’t since. My friend Don has writ­ten me per­haps 4 let­ters and I’ve only respond­ed to two. I don’t know what my frick­ing prob­lem is. My moth­er says I’m too neg­a­tive, but she is part of the prob­lem her­self, her advice always comes across as nag­ging, dis­ap­point­ment and crit­i­cism. Nev­er empa­thy. She tells me that I am always dis­sat­is­fied with my life but I think I’ve learned to be that way from her. [And just say­ing that, I can antic­i­pate the con­ver­sa­tion where she makes me feel guilty for mak­ing her feel guilty.] She might be right, I’m so inert that I don’t know what to do any­more.

And I won’t get in to detail about my lack of a girl­friend, that is just a more spe­cif­ic man­i­fes­ta­tion of my inabil­i­ty to fig­ure out how to make friends in the first place. It makes me sick that I even feel this way since appar­ent­ly tons of peo­ple are tired of read­ing about peo­ple that feel this way. I guess we’ll all just have to deal with it.