The Celibate Life

That a woman con­ceived me, I thank her; that she
brought me up, I like­wise give her most hum­ble
thanks: but that I will have a recheat wind­ed in my
fore­head, or hang my bugle in an invis­i­ble baldrick,
all women shall par­don me. Because I will not do
them the wrong to mis­trust any, I will do myself the
right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which
I may go the fin­er, I will live a bach­e­lor.

-Much Ado About Noth­ing: Act I, Scene I

I fig­ure since I’m not con­fi­dent enough to actu­al­ly ask a woman on a date and since I’m tired of hav­ing this uncon­fi­dence bug me I can kill two birds with one stone by adopt­ing the celi­bate life. So, no grand­chil­dren for you moth­er; sor­ry. I’m also a tight­wad, dat­ing is expen­sive and poor eco­nom­ics to boot. I’ll take as my role mod­el Sir Benedick of Pad­ua from Much Ado About Noth­ing. A man of sharp wit, prag­mat­ic in action and noble of soul, Sir Benedick is the con­sum­mate bach­e­lor.

I also have an ulte­ri­or motive for my sup­posed celiba­cy.

Is’t come to this? In faith, hath not the world
one man but he will wear his cap with sus­pi­cion?
Shall I nev­er see a bach­e­lor of three-score again?
Go to, i’ faith; an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck
into a yoke, wear the print of it and sigh away
Sun­days.