Proclivities and Repressions

I hes­i­tat­ed in regard to writ­ing about this, for fear of shame or embarass­ment, but since I was about ten or twelve and I had a long con­ver­sa­tion with my par­ents about “nam­ing my feel­ings” I’ve had this voice telling me to do so when­ev­er there is some­thing that I am afraid of in myself. So why not talk about sex­u­al urges? I’ll put it past the jump so you don’t have to read about it if you don’t want to. I’m sure there is going to be TMI for some of you.

And no, I’m not gay.

I had a long email con­ver­sa­tion yes­ter­day, and I don’t even real­ly remem­ber how I got on the top­ic, regard­ing aggres­sive­ness dur­ing sex. It even­tu­al­ly broad­ened into a dis­cus­sion of aggres­sion in gen­er­al, and I’ll try to recap that flow here. Oh yes. I remem­ber. I was told:

I then passed this infor­ma­tion on to anoth­er par­ty with whom I which engaged upon dis­cus­sion about afore­men­tioned quote, yes.

So first off, that quote is cor­rect. I don’t real­ly care what hap­pens dur­ing sex as long as we’re enjoy­ing our­selves. I do like aggres­sive girls though, prob­a­bly because I’m not. At least most of the time. Some­times though, I want to be the aggres­sive one, and com­plete­ly self­ish. And those feel­ings scare me.

I think I’ve been trained so well to think that any sort of phys­i­cal­ly aggres­sive behav­ior dur­ing sex is either sex­u­al assault or rape, that I am ter­ri­fied of even want­i­ng or think­ing about being phys­i­cal­ly aggres­sive dur­ing sex. It makes me feel like I’m a rapist, lots of guilt with those feel­ings. It also applies gen­er­al­ly, any phys­i­cal­ly aggres­sive behav­ior direct­ed toward a woman is abuse.

And while I can intel­lec­tu­al­ly under­stand that what any two [or twelve] con­sent­ing adults want to do to/with/at each oth­er should not be any of my busi­ness, I don’t think I could under­stand get­ting that con­sent from some­one…

I’m not even talk­ing about crazy S&M stuff. I’m quite aware that there is a world of dif­fer­ence between whip­s’n’gimp masks and smack­ing a girl’s back­side; a dif­fer­ence between plea­sure through pain and pain [it isn’t even pain real­ly, but I don’t know a bet­ter word for it] that height­ens plea­sure. I’m still wary.

There is also this sort of feel­ing of con­tempt that I wor­ry about. Going back to what I said ear­li­er about being aggres­sive and self­ish, and to be crude, but the desire itself is quite prim­i­tive I feel; some­times I want to just take a girl, have sex, get off, and not even care about what she wants. Basi­cal­ly treat­ing her like a piece of ass and not a per­son. And I don’t know if I could feel more than con­tempt for some­one who would allow them­selves to be used like that. Even want­i­ng to do some­thing like that strikes me as evil. Sure, that might be a rem­nant of Puri­tan­i­cal repres­sion, but that isn’t nec­es­sar­i­ly a good rea­son to cast it aside and indulge. No desires are inher­ent­ly evil, just twist­ed with oth­er ones, but the con­se­quences can be evil.

Any­way, I guess I’m done with exam­ples. I’ve always been [or have always been told that I am] a gen­tle per­son. I don’t think this equates exact­ly with sub­mis­sion, but there is over­lap. Just the same, aggres­sion and dom­i­nance over­lap but are not equal. But although gen­tle­ness and placid­i­ty come eas­i­ly to me, the aggres­sion is present and has always been clamped down as much as pos­si­ble. For years I’ve been ter­ri­fied of los­ing con­trol of my aggres­sion and behav­ing like my dad, much in the way I was afraid of drink­ing for so long because I did­n’t want to become an alco­holic. Instead of releas­ing the aggres­sion in a con­trolled man­ner [like my drink­ing is now very con­trolled] I rarely even look at the cage I keep it stuffed in. I don’t want to hurt any­thing, but I feel the need to some­times.

So I know my han­ker­ing for dominance/aggression in the sack and my reluc­tance to allow that to be is part of my fear of allow­ing my self­ish­ness or aggres­sion to take any hold in my life. I guess because I see self­ish­ness and aggres­sion as pas­sions hot enough that con­trol­ling them is more a mat­ter of luck than any­thing else. So I’m basi­cal­ly at an impasse, and upon reread­ing I don’t think this post makes much sense, but it is damn com­pli­cat­ed.

And no, I’m not emo.