I hesitated in regard to writing about this, for fear of shame or embarassment, but since I was about ten or twelve and I had a long conversation with my parents about “naming my feelings” I’ve had this voice telling me to do so whenever there is something that I am afraid of in myself. So why not talk about sexual urges? I’ll put it past the jump so you don’t have to read about it if you don’t want to. I’m sure there is going to be TMI for some of you.
And no, I’m not gay.
I had a long email conversation yesterday, and I don’t even really remember how I got on the topic, regarding aggressiveness during sex. It eventually broadened into a discussion of aggression in general, and I’ll try to recap that flow here. Oh yes. I remember. I was told:
I then passed this information on to another party with whom I which engaged upon discussion about aforementioned quote, yes.
So first off, that quote is correct. I don’t really care what happens during sex as long as we’re enjoying ourselves. I do like aggressive girls though, probably because I’m not. At least most of the time. Sometimes though, I want to be the aggressive one, and completely selfish. And those feelings scare me.
I think I’ve been trained so well to think that any sort of physically aggressive behavior during sex is either sexual assault or rape, that I am terrified of even wanting or thinking about being physically aggressive during sex. It makes me feel like I’m a rapist, lots of guilt with those feelings. It also applies generally, any physically aggressive behavior directed toward a woman is abuse.
And while I can intellectually understand that what any two [or twelve] consenting adults want to do to/with/at each other should not be any of my business, I don’t think I could understand getting that consent from someone…
I’m not even talking about crazy S&M stuff. I’m quite aware that there is a world of difference between whips’n’gimp masks and smacking a girl’s backside; a difference between pleasure through pain and pain [it isn’t even pain really, but I don’t know a better word for it] that heightens pleasure. I’m still wary.
There is also this sort of feeling of contempt that I worry about. Going back to what I said earlier about being aggressive and selfish, and to be crude, but the desire itself is quite primitive I feel; sometimes I want to just take a girl, have sex, get off, and not even care about what she wants. Basically treating her like a piece of ass and not a person. And I don’t know if I could feel more than contempt for someone who would allow themselves to be used like that. Even wanting to do something like that strikes me as evil. Sure, that might be a remnant of Puritanical repression, but that isn’t necessarily a good reason to cast it aside and indulge. No desires are inherently evil, just twisted with other ones, but the consequences can be evil.
Anyway, I guess I’m done with examples. I’ve always been [or have always been told that I am] a gentle person. I don’t think this equates exactly with submission, but there is overlap. Just the same, aggression and dominance overlap but are not equal. But although gentleness and placidity come easily to me, the aggression is present and has always been clamped down as much as possible. For years I’ve been terrified of losing control of my aggression and behaving like my dad, much in the way I was afraid of drinking for so long because I didn’t want to become an alcoholic. Instead of releasing the aggression in a controlled manner [like my drinking is now very controlled] I rarely even look at the cage I keep it stuffed in. I don’t want to hurt anything, but I feel the need to sometimes.
So I know my hankering for dominance/aggression in the sack and my reluctance to allow that to be is part of my fear of allowing my selfishness or aggression to take any hold in my life. I guess because I see selfishness and aggression as passions hot enough that controlling them is more a matter of luck than anything else. So I’m basically at an impasse, and upon rereading I don’t think this post makes much sense, but it is damn complicated.
And no, I’m not emo.
very interesting. i think i, as a woman–and feminist–have had analogously opposite thoughts/feelings. In that I have usually been more sexually assertive but I had a hankering to be submissive, to “be taken“as well. And at first that desire conflicted with my feminism. I thought it was somehow wrong and backward and would make me vulnerable.
but, as i learned more and read more, i realized my desire was valid and normal and didn’t mean i was not a strong, feminist woman.
and i think that applies to you as well. i think you are somewhat a victim of political correctness and don’t want to fulfill the caricature of hyper-masculinity in which agression figures but your desires may lean that way sometimes.
but i don’t necessarily see your impulses as aggressive, so perhaps you need to reframe them. divorce the aggression from sex. (though they seem so interrelated.)
i think it is completely normal to want to “fuck” as opposed to make love. but you can fuck someone you love, too. you would have to get past the idea that you would want to hate someone that would let you fuck them. i don’t know what to say to that; sex is a very gray area (but often b/c we make it so).
as far as aggression in general, i can understand that, too. last night i was talking with a friend actually about having kids but being afraid that we’d hit them, etc. because i know i can react physically and impulsively when i am angry. it has never been a problem, but recognizing that impulse is scary.
Those are good points. I’ll address a few for clarification on my part.
divorce the aggression from sex.
I sort of see what you mean, but I don’t know how to do that, and wouldn’t I then be repressing my urge to “take”?
you would have to get past the idea that you would want to hate someone that would let you fuck them.
Hate is the wrong word, maybe even contempt is the wrong word. It is more along the lines of I cannot comprehend why someone would agree to that. Maybe I can deal with it by thinking along the lines of “it’s just sex” and after it is over the girl and I can be our normal selves. Sort of like doing a favor? I dunno. So complicatededed.
so you can intellectually understand someone would consent to being “taken”? but you can’t intuitively? What if she says “please fuck my brains out”?
you don’t seem like the type to have casual sex, though, so perhaps you would think or feel differently if you were in a relationship of mutual understanding and consent may be implicit, etc. ?
What if she says “please fuck my brains out”?
Well that is *aheM* a bit different. *loosens tie*
so perhaps you would think or feel differently if you were in a relationship of mutual understanding and consent may be implicit, etc. ?
Maybe. Never been in one long enough to find out though.
What a great post. Seriously. I know that I, as a woman, have really been at odds with the idea of “being taken” or fucked or whatever you want to call it. And like Peppermint said, how that desire conflicted with my stance as a feminist. I finally just decided that it doesn’t have so much to do with men and women and their different roles as it does our basic desires. And these don’t have to be at odds with my feminism or your masculinism (<– I think I just made that word up.)
See, I think it has a lot less to do with agression than it does with selfishness. At least for me, it was about figuring out that it’s OKAY to be selfish in the sack once in a while. And yeah, that comes from being in a relationship with someone who says, I want to be fucked…as much as I want to fuck you.
It sounds like you think fucking cheapens the experience though. Hence the guilt and the thinking less of the girl that would want to be fucked.
What if the girl that “consents to that” as you put it, loves you and wants to pleasure you, so she consents to being fucked? Is she less or more than the girl that just likes being fucked?
What if the girl that “consents to that” as you put it, loves you and wants to pleasure you, so she consents to being fucked? Is she less or more than the girl that just likes being fucked?
I don’t know. I’m not sure how I’d feel about a girl consenting to something like that just as a favor. Especially if she doesn’t like it. And I’m not saying that is the only way I want to screw. Just sometimes. If I’m ever in a relationship that lasts long enough for me to test these ideas, then perhaps I’ll be able to answer a bit better.
“sometimes I want to just take a girl, have sex, get off, and not even care about what she wants. Basically treating her like a piece of ass and not a person. And I don’t know if I could feel more than contempt for someone who would allow themselves to be used like that.”
I think a person can only be “used” if they’re not getting anything out of it themselves. But some people really get off on the idea of being taken in an aggressive manner. For me, there’s a pleasure in being wanted so thoroughly that all sense of restraint is thrown out the window. There’s also an incredible sense of power in knowing that you can make someone feel that way. And with endorphins running through your veins, any sort of physical roughness just heightens the experience. A sense that you’re doing something somewhat taboo and dangerous is also sexy. The idea that I’m being “used” if you were to throw me down and have your way with me is a bit ridiculous to me because I would get as much from the experience as you would. Trust me. 😉
“I’m not sure how I’d feel about a girl consenting to something like that just as a favor. Especially if she doesn’t like it.”
If a girl is psychologically stable and has good self-esteem, even if she doesn’t like it, she’s getting something out of it. I know next to nothing about your sexual history, but perhaps you’ve participated in an act or two that you did simply for her pleasure alone. I know for some guys (very silly guys), giving oral sex is that sort of activity. But even if you haven’t encountered such a situation, you can probably imagine it. You’re still getting something out of it–pleasure from seeing and feeling her pleasure, perhaps in exchange she does something for you she’s not wild about. All sexual relationships find a happy equilibrium. No self-respecting girl is going to do something like that without getting some tangible or intangible benefit.
is that *my* katherine?
great points. i agree.
*blushes* I very much doubt it, but that could change… 😉
Ah, forgive my flirtiness. I’m Neal’s (one of Adam’s high school friends) girlfriend, so I can say with much certainty that we’ve never met. Hell, I barely know Adam.
i should have looked at your email addy. duh. i thought it was my dear friend katherine who reads my blog a lot and also because your articulate comments were characteristic of her intelligence. But it’s just another smart katherine. 🙂
Well thank you very much, Lisa. 🙂 I just hope Adam finds some enlightenment in what I have to say. Or a cheap thrill, whatever.
Y’all have good points, but enlightenment is going to elude me until these things are tested.
Then get to testing, boy! 😀
Fantastic, fantastic discussion. Adam, I’ve always known you to be quite secretive, so reading this post from you was quite surprising–not the content, but just the openness. I commend you for taking a deep breath and asking for opinions on this personal matter.
I cannot offer anything more inspired than the others who have responded here, for they have said about every encouraging and intelligent comment I could ponder. I personally have similar feelings about sex as yourself. Sometimes you want to be the aggressor, sometimes you want to sit (or lay) back and enjoy yourself.
As far as I know, your experience with the opposite sex has been limited. I think it works both ways; as in, you can have a multi-dimensional sexual relationship, where sex easily ranges from love-making to sex to fucking without much fore or afterthought by either party. However, you can also be partnered with a person who views sex in a very matter-of-fact way. This type of partner may see sex as only fucking or love-making, or somehwhere in between. Every relationship finds its own equilibrium, and it is up to each partner to decide whether or not he or she is happy with the situation.
Most importantly is to make sure you feel unconfined by your partner. It’s no fun to be with someone who makes you place a part of yourself in storage.
We’re doing WAY too good a job of corrupting you, Adam. Yo mama’s gonna KILL us.
Here here.