Wrecking Crews

If I were in the fol­low­ing sit­u­a­tions I would want the fol­low­ing enti­ties as a part of my wreck­ing crew to get the job done.

1. Destroy­ing a large mete­or that is hurtling toward earth.

• John Hen­ry the Steeldriv­ing Man
• Buzz Aldrin
• Psy­duck

Buzz flies us to the mete­or, John Hen­ry pro­ceeds to bust it up with his bigass ham­mer, and if all else fails, I’ll beat the shit out of Psy­duck until he wigs out and dis­in­te­grates the mete­or.

2. Obtain­ing the Moon on a neck­lace for my girl.

• The Man in the Moon
• The St. Pauli Girl
• Pierre Carti­er

The St. Pauli Girl gets The Man in the Moon ham­mered until he pass­es out, then Pierre Carti­er comes in and fash­ions a neck­lace around the drunk­en sot.

3. Fig­ur­ing out how to keep my cab­i­net latch from unlatch­ing itself.

• Mac­Gyver
• Jay Are­na [inven­tor of the child proof safe­ty cap]
• HAL 9000

HAL 9000 stares at us while Mac­Gyver uses duct tape and a Swiss Army knife to fix the thing. Jay Are­na ensures it will be unable to be opened by any­thing human.

4. Defeat­ing an army of heav­i­ly-armed cyborg space pirates.

• The Mas­ter Chief
• Sol­id Snake
• one nin­ja

The Mas­ter Chief kills all the grunts while Sol­id Snake sneaks in the back door and kills the pirate king. Mean­while the nin­ja and I fly around wail­ing on our gui­tars and pork­ing hot chicks.

5. Mov­ing 10,000 chick­ens from one build­ing to anoth­er in 10 min­utes.

• Gonzo
• Napoleon Dyna­mite
• The Colonel

’nuff said.

6. Walk­ing down the street look­ing tough and cool.

• Cap­tain Cave­man
• Yng­wie Malm­steen
• Uma Thur­man

With Uma on my arm, Yng­wie play­ing the high frets and Cap­tain Cave­man bean­ing any­one in our vicin­i­ty, I don’t think any­one will argue about my tough­ness or cool­ness.

7. Win­ning a nation­al high school cheer­lead­ing con­test against a rival school who are cheaters and not as pret­ty as us any­way.

• Erwin Rom­mel
• George Pat­ton
• Han­ni­bal Lec­tor

Rom­mel and Pat­ton, in two tanks, duel each oth­er, and as a result kil­l/crush/blow-up all the cheer­lead­ers in the com­pe­ti­tion. Mean­while, Han­ni­bal Lec­tor kills and eats me to end my night­mare.

8. Find­ing the lit­tle tin of mem­o­ries I buried in the yard on Franklin street many years ago.

• A bea­gle
• Sig­mund Freud
• Mole

Mole [from Wind in the Wil­lows] does sap­per recon while the bea­gle works above­ground. Freud psy­cho­an­a­lyzes my ass to deter­mine whether I dreamed that I left a lit­tle tin of stuff buried in the yard or whether it real­ly hap­pened.

9. Deter­min­ing the Answer to Life, the Uni­verse and Every­thing.

• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub
• one bloke down the pub who has lots of aspirin

Hope­ful­ly the pub has Guin­ness draught.

10. Out­smart­ing a mad­man evil genius.

• Bat­man
• Kas­parov
• a five year old

Bat­man, Kas­parov and I all come up with pos­si­bil­i­ties for stop­ping the genius, they all fail. Right before hope is lost the five year old says some­thing obvi­ous that pro­vides us with the answer.