Pierre™ Foods Pizza Parlor Meatball Sub

Some weeks ago I had the Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub [$2.05USD 1.65€] from the vendy. I did­n’t review it at the time because the expe­ri­ence was still so fresh­ly trau­mat­ic, so fraught, that it was the best I could do to lie in a pul­ing mewl­ing fetal posi­tion under my cubi­cle and moan at the slight­est men­tion of food.

Described as:

the Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub seems benign enough. After all, the meat­ball sub has a long [if slight­ly dis­gust­ing] tra­di­tion in Amer­i­ca as a favorite accom­pa­ni­ment to guz­zling beers and curs­ing at ath­let­ic events. This meat­ball sub shows the ter­ri­ble con­se­quences of this hedo­nis­tic lifestyle. We man­age to kill lots of things with pop­u­lar­i­ty, but now pop­u­lar­i­ty is try­ing to kill us, through the guise of meat­ball sub­bi­ness.

I prob­a­bly have no need to tell you this, but the Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub is real­ly bad for you. The piz­za sauce/cheese mix­ture was loose in the bag and looked like flat­tened bloody turd. The meat­balls them­selves were also fecal-evoca­tive, but a bit more ursine. Say, grey month-old con­sti­pat­ed griz­zly shit.

The bun, how­ev­er, was dan­geous­ly sen­su­al. Its gen­tle curve, smooth tex­ture and wheaty col­or recalled the weeks I spent in Swe­den pho­tograph­ing the bot­toms of var­i­oius biki­ni mod­els and their inno­cent beach cavor­ta­tions. I want­ed to both eat the bun and pre­serve its per­fec­tion for all of time. Even­tu­al­ly my phys­i­cal nature assert­ed itself over my oh-so-scholas­tic perusal and I heat­ed up the sand­wich in the microwave for 70 sec­onds.

Then I ate it. All of it. Bad idea. It even tast­ed like bear shit, swedish biki­ni bun or not. It did­n’t exact­ly make me sick, but my diges­tive sys­tem did go into low gear, my extrem­i­ties went numb as blood rushed to my stom­ach like snorkels to a 5 alarm blaze, I got real­ly sleepy and I start­ed to feel like shit of the bear vari­ety.

In clos­ing, don’t eat the Pierre™ Foods Piz­za Par­lor Meat­ball Sub. I prob­a­bly did­n’t need to tell you that in the first place though.