Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Double Beef Stacker with Cheese

Since I have appar­ent­ly cre­at­ed some expec­ta­tions among you far­thur­dlers regard­ing my gus­ta­to­ry fetish­es, I went down to the dun­geon for round n with the vendy. I picked up Pierre Foods™ Fast Choice® Dou­ble Beef Stack­er with Cheese, one of the orig­i­nal items in the vendy that has recent­ly made a come­back. I’m quite sure I’ve angered the burg­er deities by buy­ing a $1.65 dou­ble deck­er ham­burg­er out of a vend­ing machine. I’m prob­a­bly banned from Steven­son’s. In any case, I did it. Before I get to the burg­er though, I should tell you this:

I met the woman who stocks the vendy. She had just filled it up with con­coc­tions from her caul­dron. She was short and squat and pigeon-toed with frizzy grey hair and slight­ly myopic owl eyes. When I told her that I was going to get some­thing out of the machine, she watched me make my deci­sion. It was obvi­ous that she took great pride in the qual­i­ty of prod­uct she stocks that thing with. This week she added pud­ding. You can buy a 3 ounce con­tain­er of pud­ding for a dol­lar! Big AZ Bub­ba Twins have returned as well. She said that she has, unfor­tu­nate­ly, had to throw lots out, because, get this, no one has been buy­ing any­thing. Crikey lady, I won­der why. On the plus side, she did add a dol­lar coin dis­penser to the machine, so next time I pay with a fiv­er, I won’t get $2.95 in change in nick­els.

The burg­er, of course, what shit as burg­ers go. As an item from the machine, how­ev­er, I would def­i­nite­ly buy anoth­er one. I am try­ing to fig­ure out how some­thing that is most­ly TVP could sup­ply me with 47% of my RDA in sat­u­rat­ed fat. It must have been the cheese, which, post-burg­er, is now being cut quite often. I’m quite sure that noth­ing in this sand­wich actu­al­ly came from real plants or ani­mals. It required vir­tu­al­ly no mas­ti­ca­tion, which was good since the “cheese” dis­in­te­grat­ed my teeth upon con­tact. So, basi­cal­ly, oth­er than the fact that it tast­ed like shit and is cur­rent­ly mount­ing a simul­ta­ne­ous breach attack on my stom­ach and colon, it was­n’t that bad.

Link of the day: Joe’s Worth­less Base­ball Card Col­lec­tion