Infant Experimentation Project

Now that the infant sub­ject is mobile, I’ve been able to engage it in the sec­ond round of my Infant Exper­i­men­ta­tion Project. I was assist­ed in these exper­i­ments by the infan­t’s mater­nal unit.

WARNING

You are like­ly to find the fol­low­ing record­ings quite bor­ing.

Time Trial Mark 1

Summary

In which I attempt to gain empir­i­cal data regard­ing the sub­jec­t’s aes­thet­ic pref­er­ences and gauge its innate toy val­ue cost/benefit ratio analy­sis abil­i­ty. A slight infant mal­func­tion at the end of the video stopped this exper­i­ment pre­ma­ture­ly.

Data

Results

Sub­ject shows inabil­i­ty to rec­og­nize that it is being exper­i­ment­ed upon. Sub­jec­t’s aes­thet­ic devel­op­ment extends only to taste and tex­ture. Sub­ject has a tum­my ache.

Time Trial Mark 2

Summary

Anoth­er iter­a­tion of the exper­i­ment, this time using food as the moti­va­tor, rather than toys. Sub­ject giv­en trail of food to fol­low with lit­tle to no dis­trac­tion and pater­nal encour­age­ment. An eas­i­er ver­sion of the pre­vi­ous exper­i­ment.

Data

Results

Sub­ject is not quite as smart as a dog.

Agility Drill

Summary

This exper­i­ment charts the sub­jec­t’s poise, bal­ance, agili­ty and fast-twitch mus­cle capa­bil­i­ty using a state-of-the-art spring-loaded restraint that was cus­tomized from a sex swing that shrank in the wash. Remem­ber to only pur­chase items made from pre-shrunk cot­ton.

Data

Results

Sub­ject con­tin­ues to exhib­it no knowl­edge that it is being exper­i­ment­ed on. Sub­ject also shows no signs of poise, bal­ance, agili­ty or fast-twitch mus­cle capa­bil­i­ty. Sub­ject does, how­ev­er, appear to be hav­ing a good time.