Well hell, Father’s Day is here again and for once I’m not thinking too much about how I’m acting as a dad, and instead wondering what my own father would think of me 25 years after I jumped out of his car because he was going to beat me when we got to his place.
Everything after this is pure supposition. I don’t think my dad was ever really proud of me, all I really remember are the ways I disappointed him. I don’t necessarily think I want his approval now, but I do wonder if he would still feel disappointed in me if he saw me now.
Similarly, I wonder what my grandfather would think and what kind of wisdom he would have to share with me.
I am tending to think that I wouldn’t navel gaze about this fatherhood business if I had some surviving ancestral bloodline to ping for bearings on occasion. 13 year old Adam would not be capable of conceptualizing the questions that 38 year old Adam has, and the dead don’t answer.