Category: Vendy

Today I had my sec­ond item from the vendy down­stairs. I had the Fast Choice Fish and Cheese Sand­wich by Pierre Foods, again. For $1.65 I received 5.75 ounces of…some­thing…with the con­sis­ten­cy and taste of a dirty, wet mit­ten.

This item is appar­ent­ly slight­ly bet­ter for you than Biz AZ Bub­ba Twins because the nutri­tion infor­ma­tion is actu­al­ly post­ed on their web­site. Once again, it was not avail­able from the pack­ag­ing itself. 440 calo­ries, 16g of fat, 45mg of cho­les­terol, 820mg of sodi­um, 54g of carbs and [sur­pris­ing­ly] 18g of pro­tein. Wow that is bad for you.

The main ingre­di­ent, in bold type is Ful­ly Cooked Bread­ed Alaskan Pol­lock. I think they think if they put it in bold type we’ll be more like­ly to believe that there real­ly is fish in this sand­wich. The rest of the ingre­di­ents appear to be, word for word, an exact copy of the EPA’s Haz­ardous Mate­ri­als list.

To cook this beast you open the bag and put it in the microwave for…45 sec­onds. I cooked mine for 12 min­utes just to be safe. It came out of the microwave sus­pi­cious­ly odor­less. Putting my nose close to the bag I had a faint whiff of cheap bread­ing, but that is all. It steamed and squished in my hand like a fresh dia­per from a two-year old. I showed it to my friend Patrick, who imme­di­ate­ly made the sign ward­ing him­self from the evil eye and stum­bled out of his cube, wet­ting him­self.

So I final­ly took a bite, anx­ious to see if the bag’s claim of “Improved Taste” would over­come the dis­turb­ing lack of odor. The sand­wich was utter­ly taste­less. I assume “improved taste” means it does­n’t taste like buttchunks any­more. No taste is an improve­ment. In fact, the only thing tasty on the sand­wich was the ketchup I put on it. The “cheese” dis­ap­peared dur­ing the microwav­ing process. I can only imag­ine that it was ashamed to be on such a sand­wich and ascend­ed to a high­er plane.

Grade: Slight­ly gross­er than Sal­is­bury steak.