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This is the con­clud­ing third part of my award-win­ning series on How to Play Dou­ble Bid Euchre. The pre­vi­ous parts may be found here: Part I, Part II.

Here are the real rules.

  • Mock your oppo­nents inces­sant­ly. Taunt them. Even if they are your 80 year old grand­moth­er. Grunt patron­iz­ing­ly or bark a short laugh each time they play a card. Smirk when you trump them. Yawn dis­in­ter­est­ed­ly when they return the favor.
  • Talk across the table. Say things that will give your part­ner a hint about what you have in your hand. Say ‘PAY ATTENTION’ as you are lay­ing a card that is your strong suit.
  • After the deal, melo­dra­mat­i­cal­ly com­plain about your hand. Say ‘Who dealt this mess?’ Even if YOU dealt it.
  • Ask what trump is at least 5 times per hand.
  • After each hand, heat­ed­ly dis­cuss every trick with your part­ner. Yelling is encour­aged, hit­ting is not. Tell them how they should have played it and deter­mine how many more tricks you could have tak­en from your oppo­nents.
  • If some­one asks the score tell them it is ‘about even.’
  • If you reneg, com­plain about poor light­ing or sticky cards or too many vod­ka ton­ics and try to weasel your way out of auto­mat­i­cal­ly los­ing the hand.
  • Nev­er cheat.