Category: Religion

Sev­er­al of my friends and acquain­tances have received the fol­low­ing in their respec­tive mail­box­es. I only wish I could get one sent to my address as well. Beware, past the jump is an exam­ple of what can hap­pen to reli­gion when it becomes infect­ed by The Stu­pid™. Actu­al­ly, it is a scam, which should be obvi­ous to any­one who looks at the damn thing. Except for peo­ple infect­ed with The Stu­pid™.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Front

A pret­ty stan­dard BRE, apart from the GIANT let­ters that only make sense when I’m drunk on Stoli.

Business Reply Mail Envelope Back

A trite mes­sage of hope on the enve­lope flap.

Page 1 of the scam

Now we get to the fun­ny parts. This let­ter reads like those “African Repub­lic” spams, but it also replete with illog­i­cal and seem­ing­ly ran­dom bold­ing, ram­pant under­lin­ing, non­sen­si­cal sen­tence struc­ture, mis­quot­ed scrip­ture and super­mun­dane infor­ma­tion pre­sent­ed as fas­ci­nat­ing mate­r­i­al. The fun­ni­est parts to me are when­ev­er the prayer rug is men­tioned. It is always accom­pa­nied by nev­er repeat­ing strings of mod­i­fiers and adjec­tives.

Page 2 of the scam

Now the scam shows its teeth. Sim­ply check­ing a box and send­ing some cash to St. Matthew’s Church­es will solve all your finan­cial prob­lems! Yeah, that makes TONS of sense.

Front of the Flyer

They are pre­pared for skep­tics like me though. They have tes­ti­mo­ni­als giv­en by racial­ly ambigu­ous peo­ple from the ear­ly 1980s!

Back of the Flyer

I’m impressed by the respon­si­bil­i­ty of these peo­ple, who know their debt down to the last pen­ny. I’m sure they’d nev­er fall for a snail mail scam like this one.

Magic Eye Holy Prayer Yo Mama Rug

Worst Mag­ic Eye Ever. If you look close­ly at his right eye, you can pret­ty much see the open one imme­di­ate­ly. And I can nev­er do Mag­ic Eye Puz­zles. Besides, Christ has the fur-cov­ered, chin­less, megacra­nial head of a hydro­cephal­ic.

Back of Rug

Yup. What­ev­er you say.